Let me set the scene, I’m currently sitting on a flight to Singapore, four hours into the trip, eyes red and puffy after having to say good bye to my little man at the airport and then backing it up with two tear jerking inflight films. Talk about making great movie choices. I was already feeling incredibly emotional after leaving my sick son behind for a week, and then I picked the two biggest chick flicks to watch. Hi5 you idiot!
To put it in context, I’m not normally a very emotional person. I liken myself to the ice queen. I’m a harden the f**k up kinda person. If someone is having a cry for no good reason (boohoo, you broke your nail. Harden up!), I’m the first person to roll my eyes and walk away. I lack the ability to make someone having a sook feel better. No matter how hard I try, I tend to come across as being inconsiderate and insincere. Lets just say I’m not the person you want around when you’re having a cry for the sake of having a cry.
Based on this, it’s very rare that this girl busts out a real good cry and let me tell you, I feel like I’ve just made up for a years worth of crying in the past few hours. I have a splitting headache, which I’m assuming is a side effect of the crying. My makeup has run half way down my face (note to self, invest in some good waterproof mascara) and on two separate occasions the lovely cabin staff have come over with a concerned look on their faces to see if I was ok. No doubt, they walked behind the blinds and told the other staff that there is a crazy woman in business crying like a child, but despite how embarrassed I was, I couldn’t stop.
So what brought on his sudden attack of emotion? I clearly didn’t appreciate how much leaving my son behind would affect me. As soon as I kissed him good bye I was overcome by a wave of emotion. So much so I couldn’t even wait around for them to drive away. I left my husband and son standing on the curb in the departures area of Melbourne Airport and made a bee line for the check in counter as soon as I felt the tears welling in my eyes. Even as I write this, I’m having to hold back the tears. Ugh, what is wrong with you woman??
I know he’s in great hands and he’ll be more than ok, but I can’t help but feel awful for leaving him. I almost feel like I’m abandoning him, particularly in light of how unwell he’s been the past few days. I hate that I’m not going to be there to tuck him into bed tonight and that I won’t be there to see his beaming little face first thing in the morning. Queue the water works, I’m crying again.
Maybe I’m getting an attack of the guilts because dare I say it, I was actually looking forward to this trip. I was looking forward to getting away and having some time to myself. Not having to rush around to feed, bath and clean up after a toddler. I was looking forward to 7 hours of silent bliss on the plane, where I couldn’t be contacted and I could just unwind. Going to bed and knowing that I won’t be woken by a crying child at 1am. Having dinner and just feeding myself. Ahhhhh, the simple things in life! But right now, I’d give it all up to go home and see my little man.
Never in a million years did I see this coming. Never did I think that I’d suffer from separation anxiety. I leave my son half of the week when I go to work, often only seeing him for a couple of hours a day and that doesn’t affect me, but this does? The only comfort I have at the moment is that I land in two hours time and I’m sure to feel better as soon as that Singapore heat hits me in the face. In the mean time I’ll continue blubbering like a baby. Oh they joy!